Two new no-nos for slash writers;
1) You may NOT begin the story, nor any of the first six paragraphs, with “[yourcharacter] sighed.” If your character can’t find something better to do with that lungful of air, it really is not worth your reporting it. Start your story on the next breath, please.
2) There will be a one-year moratorium on your character “mapping out” his lover’s body– be it with his hands, mouth, left little toe. On or around October the 21st, 2008, you may use that tired little cliche if you must — but not more than once in a year thereafter.
*snerk* You know, those rules aren’t specific to slash fiction. ANY overused cliche or cop-out phrase is bad writing, no excuses (unless, of course, that’s the story competition you’re in). But “he/she/it/they sighed” is a ROTTEN way to start ANY story. Get with the action! Show something happening that is…well, HAPPENING. Slam a door, glare out a window, pick lint of a pant leg, blow the paper off a drinking straw and into an open jar of formaldehyde eyeballs…
but
don’t
*sigh*
And unless you are going to include topographical references and features, leave the mapping to topographers for a while. (Of course, if someone is going to mark the spots they map with tiny, red-flag tipped stickpins, there’s a certain kink factor that would make up for the cliche there).
The first time I read that metaphor I thought it was enchanting and apt. but I’ve just read it for the thousandth time. Move forward, people!
I love sighs, don’t get me wrong! But I like them towards the end of a story, and I like them to be because our hero has no breath left to do much more than that…
Now, about that jar of eyeballs?
Hey! Give us Jack/Barbossa slashers a break, will you? Have you no idea what we’re up against here?
Barbossa has exactly three function modes:
He goes “Aarrrr!”
He rolls his eyes.
He sighs.
The most you can ask is that we use them in even rotation.
And Jack is good with maps. And naked people. And drawing maps on naked people.
Sheesh! You’ll be trying to ban monkeys next
No banning monkeys.
Monkeys are for SPANKING.
Not banning.
Barbossa may roll his eyes in a first para– just for you. But the sigh has to wait till later. :p
You know what I’ve just realised– You know that Sparrow/Sharpe PWP that I wrote? Well I am now originafying it and making into a more plot-oriented work– I’ve transmogrified Sparrow into a female space raider with a sentient ship. And a prehensile tail.
Who should I blame for this? Hmmm?
I was an almost completely innocent bystander. So was the monkey.
*snerk* You know, those rules aren’t specific to slash fiction. ANY overused cliche or cop-out phrase is bad writing, no excuses (unless, of course, that’s the story competition you’re in). But “he/she/it/they sighed” is a ROTTEN way to start ANY story. Get with the action! Show something happening that is…well, HAPPENING. Slam a door, glare out a window, pick lint of a pant leg, blow the paper off a drinking straw and into an open jar of formaldehyde eyeballs…
but
don’t
*sigh*
And unless you are going to include topographical references and features, leave the mapping to topographers for a while. (Of course, if someone is going to mark the spots they map with tiny, red-flag tipped stickpins, there’s a certain kink factor that would make up for the cliche there).
The first time I read that metaphor I thought it was enchanting and apt. but I’ve just read it for the thousandth time. Move forward, people!
I love sighs, don’t get me wrong! But I like them towards the end of a story, and I like them to be because our hero has no breath left to do much more than that…
Now, about that jar of eyeballs?
Hey! Give us Jack/Barbossa slashers a break, will you? Have you no idea what we’re up against here?
Barbossa has exactly three function modes:
He goes “Aarrrr!”
He rolls his eyes.
He sighs.
The most you can ask is that we use them in even rotation.
And Jack is good with maps. And naked people. And drawing maps on naked people.
Sheesh! You’ll be trying to ban monkeys next
No banning monkeys.
Monkeys are for SPANKING.
Not banning.
Barbossa may roll his eyes in a first para– just for you. But the sigh has to wait till later. :p
You know what I’ve just realised– You know that Sparrow/Sharpe PWP that I wrote? Well I am now originafying it and making into a more plot-oriented work– I’ve transmogrified Sparrow into a female space raider with a sentient ship. And a prehensile tail.
Who should I blame for this? Hmmm?
I was an almost completely innocent bystander. So was the monkey.
Wuh-oh.
Wuh-oh.
Heartfelt sigh. *giggles hysterically* Okay, sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I wrote a rather nasty article about Gary Stus… Drives me batshit. Another rule: no crying over “how beautiful it is”. Does anyone do that? Really? I have to say, I have never cried during sex. Orgasmed hard enough to pass out, *that could have been the collar though* but I have never, ever, cried about it.
I’m hoping this comment is a response to slytherinswench, but i can’t be sure…
I want to read your gary stu article!