Random thoughts on my past in BDSM
On account of a conversation on lit, some memories have been jumping up at me. Here they are from my posts, sort of randomly bulletpointed and sometimes including other people’s comments or quotes
• (Someone else said; "Pride. We play at parties partly because having our community present makes it easier to take pride in what we do, which is the very opposite of finding it shameful to play in front of others.")
Oh yeah. And it doesn’t have to be about the scene itself– the sex part of the scene. The chance to spend an entire weekend immersed in the culture, in the company of other people who share it– priceless.
That’s when I can (could, I haven’t done this in about eight years) wear my leathers and know that people will read them correctly. That’s when I can beckon a sub over and hand them an errand and know that I am not putting them to any trouble, but abetting them to do the thing they like to do the most. I can remember looking around the breakfast room at forty women, all of whom were proud to display their relationships, and content knowing that their relationships were going to be honored in this one place. My sub had brought my plate to the table and was on her knees next to my chair, waiting for me to put food into her mouth.
• It’s been remarked on before– don’t remember where– how many people want to bottom at first– as distinct from being a submissive, in many cases. I think it has a selfish element, the need to have someone’s attention turned solely on you, trying to overload you with sensation and for no other reason than to see if you can take it…
• (we were talking about extreme scenes) I’ve never had the courage to ask for one! But I’ve been in a dungeon where it was going on. A couple of people complained to the DM about how squicked it made them feel. The DM told them they could have their money back if they wanted to pack up and leave but that she wasn’t going to ruin a hallmark moment.
They were complaining that all the noise was interrupting their scene and making their bottom nervous. We had some community members that made a fetish, I’d say, out of the Safest of all possible Safety in sex, the most exhaustive of negotiations, and wanted a dungeon run like a library. (Me, I like a little more seat of the pants and a three-ring circus in the dungeon!)
And all of this came from a discussion about "Shame" as an erotic component. I have pretty strong opinions on that namely that I can’t think of anything less erotic that "Shame" because my definition of the word is unalterably involved with moral judgement, and specifically sexual transgressions are about boundaries, not morals. I know that many people do feel that sexual acts are immoral and would perhaps feel shame– just– not me. But that’s a different topic I think…
Well… I’m sure there’s more. it might all turn into something someday. Kinda meta-y, perhaps.
0 Give Kudos?
That last point is interesting. It makes me wonder how much and what kind of early experience has to do with wiring in shame as an integral component of sex, like all those men who like dirty, illicit, sometimes dangerous encounters, or it just does nothing for them. Some of that is the adrenaline charge of pure risk, of course.
But there’s an element there of transgression, of defiantly being yourself in spite of incredibly repressive rules. Sometimes the only way you can be gay, in some countries, is to engage briefly at men’s restrooms, so you quickly associate furtive sneaky feelings with sex on all kinds of things.
I know a lot of the slash fans, there’s an attractive quality in transgressive acts not for themselves, but as part of the risks that the charas will run in order to commit to one another.
But there’s an element of shame some people seem to need even more when the rules are completely relaxed and nobody’s chasing them at all. Trash-mouthing for tight-ass 3-piece suit guys whose parents were hippies, that sort of thing.
I think a lot of mundanes confuse the whole thing and think much of the scene is about parading around looking extreme so the practitioners can feel exhibitionist and shamed in public or something. Okay, maybe some; but mundanes often have no idea bout the actual neural wiring pain thing for S/M.
They don’t get the burdensome aspects of domming at all, or that the subbie is in control about getting their needs answered.
They also don’t get the community aspect in a positive way. I hear comments on leather gear the same as for Trek costumes, honestly, and that seeing mods together makes them nervous. I don’t hear any understanding that for any minority there’s such a real joy in being able to relax among your own. This is true for every hobby or fandom I’ve ever been involved with. God, the chance to geek out on your topic– especially on very narrow sub-genre topics with folks who you’d be unlikely to see otherwise. I hear it from lesbians at womyn’s concerts, from gays at Pride events, from planted aquriaum fiends, from beading people, I hear it from black church ladies on transit, you name it.
And I don’t see much fic about that lovely relaxed feeling, that you just effing let your hair down and get into your happy place and share it.
And sometimes the sub isn’t in control at all, and it’s not about getting your needs met as much as it’s about getting someone else’s needs met.
I the same way that it’s about being a cashier at a Wal-Mart and making sure that the customer’s milk is turned the right way for them to just grab it and go.
Not to say that you’re wrong about the burdensome aspects of domming, *at all*, but just to say that sometimes it’s all about getting the handle of the milk jug turned the right way around for someone to grab it easily.
Sometimes it’s not about the sub at all, and that’s ok, too.
some fairly random meta replies
That last point is interesting. It makes me wonder how much and what kind of early experience has to do with wiring in shame as an integral component of sex, like all those men who like dirty, illicit, sometimes dangerous encounters, or it just does nothing for them. Some of that is the adrenaline charge of pure risk, of course.
But there’s an element there of transgression, of defiantly being yourself in spite of incredibly repressive rules. Sometimes the only way you can be gay, in some countries, is to engage briefly at men’s restrooms, so you quickly associate furtive sneaky feelings with sex on all kinds of things.
I know a lot of the slash fans, there’s an attractive quality in transgressive acts not for themselves, but as part of the risks that the charas will run in order to commit to one another.
But there’s an element of shame some people seem to need even more when the rules are completely relaxed and nobody’s chasing them at all. Trash-mouthing for tight-ass 3-piece suit guys whose parents were hippies, that sort of thing.
I think a lot of mundanes confuse the whole thing and think much of the scene is about parading around looking extreme so the practitioners can feel exhibitionist and shamed in public or something. Okay, maybe some; but mundanes often have no idea bout the actual neural wiring pain thing for S/M.
They don’t get the burdensome aspects of domming at all, or that the subbie is in control about getting their needs answered.
They also don’t get the community aspect in a positive way. I hear comments on leather gear the same as for Trek costumes, honestly, and that seeing mods together makes them nervous. I don’t hear any understanding that for any minority there’s such a real joy in being able to relax among your own. This is true for every hobby or fandom I’ve ever been involved with. God, the chance to geek out on your topic– especially on very narrow sub-genre topics with folks who you’d be unlikely to see otherwise. I hear it from lesbians at womyn’s concerts, from gays at Pride events, from planted aquriaum fiends, from beading people, I hear it from black church ladies on transit, you name it.
And I don’t see much fic about that lovely relaxed feeling, that you just effing let your hair down and get into your happy place and share it.
Re: some fairly random meta replies
See, that “element of shame” thing, is simply something I– speaking for myself– Do. Not. Get. And I know an awful lot of other people who feel NO shame about their sexual desires.
In my mind, there is a wide rainbow of emotions ranging from high-vibrating joy and happiness-related, to low-vibe pain, grief, regret, shame, etc. but “shame” is an inner, moral selfjudgement, and I have plenty of things I’ve done that I feel shame about– they all of them relate to ways that I’ve let someone else down, or hurt or harmed other people. And my sexuality might cause a situation where someone has come to harm– like fucking someone else’s spouse when I knew the couple had no agreement about such– but the taking off of clothes and rubbing of genitalia– that ain’t shameful.
On the other hand, my opponent (who is way too lonytoons to waste any more time talking to)wanted to call everything “shame.” Feel some trepidation at stretching a boundary? Shame! Embarrassed at not acting like a lady? Gotta be shameful. My eyes were rolling after while. But I don’t have strong opinions on this, oh no! *_^
They don’t get the burdensome aspects of domming at all, or that the subbie is in control about getting their needs answered.
I think in this case? You’re confusing Top/bottom (referring to physical play mostly, often augmented with mind games for enhancement) with Dom/Sub (refers to a more psychological play, which might include physical play for reinforcement of roles)
I could, for intance, ask a bottom what they wanted, and wear out my whip hand making sure they got it. Or, I could ask my sub to wear out their whip hand on me– because I have a hankering for strong sensation. But my sub would still be my sub, even though they are making me holler, tThey are doing what I want.
And sometimes the sub isn’t in control at all, and it’s not about getting your needs met as much as it’s about getting someone else’s needs met.
I the same way that it’s about being a cashier at a Wal-Mart and making sure that the customer’s milk is turned the right way for them to just grab it and go.
Not to say that you’re wrong about the burdensome aspects of domming, *at all*, but just to say that sometimes it’s all about getting the handle of the milk jug turned the right way around for someone to grab it easily.
Sometimes it’s not about the sub at all, and that’s ok, too.
And sometimes the sub isn’t in control at all, and it’s not about getting your needs met as much as it’s about getting someone else’s needs met.
Oh, indeed, as you and I have been discussing!
(I can only speak for myself, and it will take some work before I can get my interior understanding of this mindset– I’m pretty selfish. I bottom for sensation, and I top for the ego gratification of being able to satisfy my partner, I’m afraid! So, I don’t get into subspace very easily. But I promise you, I would honor a sub of your type, with all my heart and soul. And work real heard to make sure my sub knew it. It’s not a burden– it’s my joy!
What I was talking about though, are many people who have never been on the scene, and have the chance to go to a play party, or play one-on-one for the first times. It’s a grabby, needy, omigod-it’s-okay-to-ask, kind of emotional release.
Once people have gone through that, they can catch their breath and figure out what it is that they really want…
some fairly random meta replies
That last point is interesting. It makes me wonder how much and what kind of early experience has to do with wiring in shame as an integral component of sex, like all those men who like dirty, illicit, sometimes dangerous encounters, or it just does nothing for them. Some of that is the adrenaline charge of pure risk, of course.
But there’s an element there of transgression, of defiantly being yourself in spite of incredibly repressive rules. Sometimes the only way you can be gay, in some countries, is to engage briefly at men’s restrooms, so you quickly associate furtive sneaky feelings with sex on all kinds of things.
I know a lot of the slash fans, there’s an attractive quality in transgressive acts not for themselves, but as part of the risks that the charas will run in order to commit to one another.
But there’s an element of shame some people seem to need even more when the rules are completely relaxed and nobody’s chasing them at all. Trash-mouthing for tight-ass 3-piece suit guys whose parents were hippies, that sort of thing.
I think a lot of mundanes confuse the whole thing and think much of the scene is about parading around looking extreme so the practitioners can feel exhibitionist and shamed in public or something. Okay, maybe some; but mundanes often have no idea bout the actual neural wiring pain thing for S/M.
They don’t get the burdensome aspects of domming at all, or that the subbie is in control about getting their needs answered.
They also don’t get the community aspect in a positive way. I hear comments on leather gear the same as for Trek costumes, honestly, and that seeing mods together makes them nervous. I don’t hear any understanding that for any minority there’s such a real joy in being able to relax among your own. This is true for every hobby or fandom I’ve ever been involved with. God, the chance to geek out on your topic– especially on very narrow sub-genre topics with folks who you’d be unlikely to see otherwise. I hear it from lesbians at womyn’s concerts, from gays at Pride events, from planted aquriaum fiends, from beading people, I hear it from black church ladies on transit, you name it.
And I don’t see much fic about that lovely relaxed feeling, that you just effing let your hair down and get into your happy place and share it.
Re: some fairly random meta replies
See, that “element of shame” thing, is simply something I– speaking for myself– Do. Not. Get. And I know an awful lot of other people who feel NO shame about their sexual desires.
In my mind, there is a wide rainbow of emotions ranging from high-vibrating joy and happiness-related, to low-vibe pain, grief, regret, shame, etc. but “shame” is an inner, moral selfjudgement, and I have plenty of things I’ve done that I feel shame about– they all of them relate to ways that I’ve let someone else down, or hurt or harmed other people. And my sexuality might cause a situation where someone has come to harm– like fucking someone else’s spouse when I knew the couple had no agreement about such– but the taking off of clothes and rubbing of genitalia– that ain’t shameful.
On the other hand, my opponent (who is way too lonytoons to waste any more time talking to)wanted to call everything “shame.” Feel some trepidation at stretching a boundary? Shame! Embarrassed at not acting like a lady? Gotta be shameful. My eyes were rolling after while. But I don’t have strong opinions on this, oh no! *_^
They don’t get the burdensome aspects of domming at all, or that the subbie is in control about getting their needs answered.
I think in this case? You’re confusing Top/bottom (referring to physical play mostly, often augmented with mind games for enhancement) with Dom/Sub (refers to a more psychological play, which might include physical play for reinforcement of roles)
I could, for intance, ask a bottom what they wanted, and wear out my whip hand making sure they got it. Or, I could ask my sub to wear out their whip hand on me– because I have a hankering for strong sensation. But my sub would still be my sub, even though they are making me holler, tThey are doing what I want.
And sometimes the sub isn’t in control at all, and it’s not about getting your needs met as much as it’s about getting someone else’s needs met.
I the same way that it’s about being a cashier at a Wal-Mart and making sure that the customer’s milk is turned the right way for them to just grab it and go.
Not to say that you’re wrong about the burdensome aspects of domming, *at all*, but just to say that sometimes it’s all about getting the handle of the milk jug turned the right way around for someone to grab it easily.
Sometimes it’s not about the sub at all, and that’s ok, too.
And sometimes the sub isn’t in control at all, and it’s not about getting your needs met as much as it’s about getting someone else’s needs met.
Oh, indeed, as you and I have been discussing!
(I can only speak for myself, and it will take some work before I can get my interior understanding of this mindset– I’m pretty selfish. I bottom for sensation, and I top for the ego gratification of being able to satisfy my partner, I’m afraid! So, I don’t get into subspace very easily. But I promise you, I would honor a sub of your type, with all my heart and soul. And work real heard to make sure my sub knew it. It’s not a burden– it’s my joy!
What I was talking about though, are many people who have never been on the scene, and have the chance to go to a play party, or play one-on-one for the first times. It’s a grabby, needy, omigod-it’s-okay-to-ask, kind of emotional release.
Once people have gone through that, they can catch their breath and figure out what it is that they really want…
And sometimes the sub isn’t in control at all, and it’s not about getting your needs met as much as it’s about getting someone else’s needs met.
Oh, indeed, as you and I have been discussing!
(I can only speak for myself, and it will take some work before I can get my interior understanding of this mindset– I’m pretty selfish. I bottom for sensation, and I top for the ego gratification of being able to satisfy my partner, I’m afraid! So, I don’t get into subspace very easily. But I promise you, I would honor a sub of your type, with all my heart and soul. And work real heard to make sure my sub knew it. It’s not a burden– it’s my joy!
What I was talking about though, are many people who have never been on the scene, and have the chance to go to a play party, or play one-on-one for the first times. It’s a grabby, needy, omigod-it’s-okay-to-ask, kind of emotional release.
Once people have gone through that, they can catch their breath and figure out what it is that they really want…
See, that “element of shame” thing, is simply something I– speaking for myself– Do. Not. Get. And I know an awful lot of other people who feel NO shame about their sexual desires.
In my mind, there is a wide rainbow of emotions ranging from high-vibrating joy and happiness-related, to low-vibe pain, grief, regret, shame, etc. but “shame” is an inner, moral selfjudgement, and I have plenty of things I’ve done that I feel shame about– they all of them relate to ways that I’ve let someone else down, or hurt or harmed other people. And my sexuality might cause a situation where someone has come to harm– like fucking someone else’s spouse when I knew the couple had no agreement about such– but the taking off of clothes and rubbing of genitalia– that ain’t shameful.
On the other hand, my opponent (who is way too lonytoons to waste any more time talking to)wanted to call everything “shame.” Feel some trepidation at stretching a boundary? Shame! Embarrassed at not acting like a lady? Gotta be shameful. My eyes were rolling after while. But I don’t have strong opinions on this, oh no! *_^
They don’t get the burdensome aspects of domming at all, or that the subbie is in control about getting their needs answered.
I think in this case? You’re confusing Top/bottom (referring to physical play mostly, often augmented with mind games for enhancement) with Dom/Sub (refers to a more psychological play, which might include physical play for reinforcement of roles)
I could, for intance, ask a bottom what they wanted, and wear out my whip hand making sure they got it. Or, I could ask my sub to wear out their whip hand on me– because I have a hankering for strong sensation. But my sub would still be my sub, even though they are making me holler, tThey are doing what I want.