Actually, there isn’t much reportage to do, only that I got off my ass and went. Thank you nagasvoice for peptalking me. i seem to be wallowing in insecurity and agoraphobia these days.
The meetup was one FTM facilitator, his cis female best friend, his gay BF who said he had never dated a transman before. Myself, and another guy my age who is transitioning for the second time, who is also my age– and also has my name when my name is not Stella… The facilitators are in their mid twenties, we are in our mid fifties.
I really fell apart waiting for this meetup. I have cuticles that hurt to the touch, from biting them. And frankly, one of my worries was that the group would be a lot of youngsters who are well into transition at an age when it was still impossible for me. I did not know if I could keep my shit together faced with folk who have the chance I did not have.
Well, I didn’t even think about it. So that was nice to know about myself.
Since the group was so teensy, we talked about ourselves and each other. One thing i realised is that the community I am missing, is the extraordinarily diverse and mostly inclusive queer community of Chicago in the nineties. Is it still like that, i wonder? As far as I can tell, there is no real leather scene here, unless you are a real manly man. The BDSM scene here seems to be heavy on the het, with a lot of MDom/fsubs, or proDomme/msub dynamics, and none of the rough-and-ready leather energy that I loved in Chi, where I could be a top– not a DOM– without needing a sub to validate myself, and where not every F/M scene was played out in Tarzan-Jane terms.
When I mentioned this, the young guy immediately rolled his eyes, and said he noticed the same lack, coming from Toronto. He said that, even though he wore his leather to the local Eagle, he got treated like a lightwieght newb who must have wandered in from the wrong end of Santa Monica blvd. Eventually he got tired of it and left off trying. Me, I don’t ‘pass’ for male, and I did not feel welcomed at the Eagle either.
So if there were a project I want to get involved with, it would be an effort to make a space for leather queers of all genders and ages in L.A. That would be excellent.
As for my gender? Right now I just want to connect with my body– period. This mild anomie thing kinda sux.